Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
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My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.