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[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.