Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
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My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.