GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
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watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?