It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
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Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
ugh not again
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering