DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
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My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”