so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Found my door mat
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married