the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
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PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Girl, same.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
my sentiments exactly
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.