[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
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Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married