“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
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The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.