Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind