If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
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[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
The real reason evolution started..😂
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
estão todos miauvindo?
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Truth
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.