Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.