[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed