It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
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“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Generation gap…
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.