Essential oils? You mean WD40?
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
OH. COME. ON.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
This makes total sense…
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.