It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
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If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.