swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I am, perchance
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.