Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
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Meth is short for Elizameth.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Got him!
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…