inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
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She puts the hot in psychotic
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me