[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
You Might Also Like
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift