Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
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*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I’m having an out of money experience.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Passed by a old school Math example today.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Mornin
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.