Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
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I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Ironic
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
pictures of spider-man
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees