Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
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dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
This squirrel eats better than I do
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.