People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
The game has officially changed 😎
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba