I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
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[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.