me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
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[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.