Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
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i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice馃槶
Why soy sad?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
yeet
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.