Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
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I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing