a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
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I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies