Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
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I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.