the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
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i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
PER MY LAST EMAIL
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT