Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
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My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Just this preview of the story is enough
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.