[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
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[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know