Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Not even remotely sorry.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these