[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
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*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
bought wrong eggs
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm