I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
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I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.