I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
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If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.