I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
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Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.