ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
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Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.