going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
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The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
is this meant to deter me
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?