About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.