This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
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i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction