Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
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ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.