PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
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What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra