Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
We’ve all been there…
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?