– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
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I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
*serious situation*
My brain:
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.