Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
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If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?