what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
You Might Also Like
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.