I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
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*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot